My Best Christmas Present

A few weeks back, I applauded Jack for still having all ("most," accuracy is crucial for Jack) of his teeth. I confessed that I do not regularly floss. That description is far from accurate, and perhaps it would be better to say that I floss a few times a year. There is no planetary alignment that creates a pattern of when I engage in this health behavior. And I don't feel as if I am conducting some crucial hygenie act. Perhaps that is why I am not really motivated to do it. Plus, fickle!, I have sensitive gums and despite careful application, I always end up with reddened tissue and the taste of iron in my mouth.

But I had been a good girl all year long, and flossing my teeth for a week was on my list. So, imagine my elation when Jack presented me with my very first electric flosser. The little bugger signified that there was a person out there concerned about my gums...that means something, right?

Stay Tuned...I am on Day Three and still figuring this thing out. But this may be THE best christmas present for single women every where (unless you'd like to pick up my car and deliver it back to me with the oil changes, the tires rotated, a new air filter, and cleaned inside!)

What was your Best Christmas Present?

Host a themed potluck

This past weekend, a group of women honored me by participating in a Christmas Cookie potluck. The idea involves bringing dough and spending an afternoon shaping and baking it together. At the end of the event, the women get to take a variety of cookies home with them, as well as an infusion of Holiday Spirit.

Being single during the holidays can often foster a sense of being on the outskirts of "real" families. Occassions like these, however, provide confirmation that we are all connected...

The event was far from perfectly prepared

(I forgot to double bake my biscotti before every one left, and I couldn't find my teapot) but in the end, it was perfectly what I needed.

I am NO slacker!

On the surface it may appear that I have slacked off on writing in the pastmonth or so. Although, it's true, I traveled a ton in the month of November;I faithfully punched away on the keyboard as well. In fact, the keyboard gotso much mileage that my five year old Thinkpad's F now explodes in rebellionfrom time to time, popping up after being utilized. And who can write without an F button?
Task #92. Do NaNoWriMo (http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/whatisnano)
I participated in an online write a novel in the month of November projectcalled, WriNamo. The concept is pretty easy: write a novel in a month, atleast 50,000 words ALL created only in November 2008. And this is a HUGEtask, which I didn't really understand fully until the end of the firstweek, when my word count was a little over 8K, and that's after writingevery day. They send an author-wanna be emails encouraging that the secondand fourth week are likely the most depressing and despairingly, and theywere right. Slain by a cold the last week of the month, my head fuzzy eitherfrom snot or from decongestant, I couldn't produce anything of value, muchless capture something on paper..
But! Alas! I prevailed! I wrote furiously and without editing (to theorganization's cheerleading: PRODUCE! Don't EDIT!) And last week, I had 51Kby 8pm on Sunday. I am now in the process of editing..
I'll send you a chapter if you like. The novel is about the life of a smallfamily in snapshots of key moments of their lives.click here for a gist ofwhat the book is about..
MY list didn't end there! Also in the month of November, I completed thefollowing:

#41 Set up Google Reader: Yep! It's official! I check my Google Reader about 4times a week! What did I do before Google Reader? Please people, if you'vegot a website you LOVE to check regularly, like this one!, email me and I'llvouch for reader! Also.what are you reading? Let me know!)

#77 (now 2 out of 3, the other was Cheuking Express) Watch a Foreign Film: Priceless, French, which was absolutely charming.Audrey Tatu, shone in a way that made you disgusted with her and yetcheering her on to change her shallow ways

#69 Go to a Comedy Routine (I accompanied my good friend Lisa to a comedyroutine in Columbia,MO while checking out the community there. What I remember from the act wasthat he did a musical number dressing up like 80 pop music stars. Andlaughing)

#31 Go to a book reading (I did even better than that. One of the most inspiringbooks I've read this year is Tales of a Female Nomad. A little similar toEat, Pray, Love, the book is about a woman transformed by her journeysacross the world. Much different, however, is that the woman's alteration isvery much externally and community oriented. She sells all her possessions,adopting the name nomad and truly living as part of these places. I attendeda book club where the author Rita Goldman, was the guest of honor.)

#17 Go to a live music event (1 of 3) Last week, Jack and I went to a barbershop quartetconcert of men singing old Christmas songs. These were just men in thecommunity with a love of music, and what it did for me was cradle me intothe spirit of Christmas.

Task #26

Buy Flowers for some one else

I never really got onto the fresh flower train. I know as a woman, I am supposed to swoon over the color, the smell, the pulsation of romance that they emit. There was season where an engorged Lily was appreciated. But I clung to the symbolism more than the actual experience of them: Peace enfolded with vibrant fertility (or so I was informed). When a woman in my circle, whether an office colleague, neighbor or family member received one, my alarm button always fired. Not only would I question their value (wouldn’t you prefer something more practical, like a pair of shoes?) but I questioned their signification. When a person gets flowers, something was abnormal, either in a special, celebratory way, or a grieving, coping manner. Flowers signified, they meant something, they pointed to other things…I found it all an analytical distraction.

And I was completely missing the point.

It was I who was sinning in my denial of the power of flowers to just be what they are, do what they do, live as they live. My incapacity to enjoy their brief, punctuated presence was a little depressing. First off, flowers don’t need my projection of meaning on them to bolster their significance. They don’t require worth in the form of “this one means hope, clarity,” or “this bouquet offers a sense of solidarity in times of sorrow.” I must resist the urge the attempt to rationalize all of creation! Flowers can just be pretty. In fact, they have done some research indicating that for people that enjoy flowers, cultivating a garden or having them around in times of stress has similar healing benefits of prayer. Second (and I can’t stop myself from going all rational and metaphorical here) flowers have a way of reminding us to be focused on the here and now, the present moment. No two flowers are alike, and this points to our human lives as well, smacking us in the heart to remind ourselves that our lives are only temporary and we must seek pleasure right now. Not before it’s too late, but after it’s too early.

Luckily, when receiving collaboration on the creation of this list, my friends called me out on my snobbery. The task today was to buy fresh flowers for someone else.

I had the impulse at 5 am in the morning, and for abut 80 minutes, attempted to rationalize my way out it. My mind said things like: “She wouldn’t like them,” “She said she didn’t want to make a fuss, so why are you?” “What if you get the wrong kind?” “Wouldn’t she want some organic soap instead?” When walking into the market, my mind again battled the habit of patronizing this ritual. I almost got a potted plant, for in my valuation, at least they live a while and omit oxygen into the universe. My practicality threatened to ruin the whole task.

The beauty of this list is that is provides me a reason, a guideline, an anchor, to which I can cling when doubt or habit retreats my growth.

I bought the flowers because when I woke up, I wanted to. I wanted to celebrate her life, her light, the manner in which she uplifted me, our friendship, the honorable way she serves as a wife and a new mother, the hardworking spirit she imbues every task in front of her. I wanted to bring her pleasure knowing that it would not last.

This past year I asked a man, when was the last time he had given any one fresh flowers. Well over the age of 30 and seasoned in a longterm relationship, he informed me that he never had. My heart grieved a bit upon hearing this, signaling a hibernation of some sort in his spirit. My hope is when I am asked I can always say “recently….” For my list, I extend a grateful heart!

Task #98

Something Out of Character

Most people would describe me as analytical, focused, a rule-follower that is very goal oriented. My achievement orientation often causes a lot of mistakes or humorous experiences. For instance, I often miss details. I once wore a pair of shoes for two months with the new shoe tissue in the toes until a friend who borrowed them pulled them out and laughed “what is WRONG with you?” I am a do-er a mover, a shaker, I’ve got places to go, I can’t slow down for tissues! So you get the point. I am far from creative.

But in doing this list, I am forced to try things perhaps I wouldn’t do on my own. I use the list as an excuse to experience new things and try out different versions of myself.

Embarking on task #98 has brought a lot of laughs out of my circle of loved ones…”you’re doing what?”

“I am making an audition tape to be on a reality TV show.”

“But you don’t watch reality TV…do you?”

“Only ones with food…:

And thus, I began to prepare an audition tape for the Next Food Network Star. I basically spent all weekend thinking of my unique perspective, of designing a fun recipe, of organizing a spontaneous script. I wasn’t going to write anything down. I was just going to practice the words and phrases and follow my gut…and that’s what I did this weekend…I creatively shaped and plucked and paid attention to details. The words. The ingredients. The instruction, the inflexion. It was a masterful exercise in creativity, not taking myself too seriously, but trusting myself as well.

My friend Yvonne came on over and filmed it for me, and then kindly stuck around to make sure my fabulous Break-up brownies were mildly edible (they were! I ate almost half the pan that afternoon!). It was embarrassing at first to be speaking this to an audience, but I quickly became comfortable…I was having fun!

Watching yourself brings about a whole new self-consciousness that defies even middle school angst. Have you ever made a tape of yourself? There is a degree of foreignness there: that’s my voice? My demeanor? Could that really be me? Yep it is…that’s me.

Watching the video releases a small cringe in me. I hope to be creative and enjoy myself, but the task reveals an undertow that says “I have something to say. I want to be heard.” It’s an audition after all: I am attempting to convince the judge of my value as a contestant.

This is one task that is not about the end result. It is HIGHLY unlikely that I will be taken seriously, but that was not the point. The purpose was to engage in something I’ve never done before that others would say “wasn’t typical” of me….but perhaps, as I check off task after task, I become a person that defies typicality in whatever I endeavor.

#3 Befriend Someone over 80

I just wrote about my friendship with Jack and those relationships that teach us...but let me tell you a little more about why this was on my list...

Jack tells me frequently that the number one problem people his age face is lonliness. He has a supportive family and attends church, and has the blessing of a caretaker who spends hours with him most days of the week. But interacting with people not in his age range is difficult. Many people in nursing homes, most he tell me, only have visitors a few times each YEAR! Can you imagine not having any conversation, about the weather, the price of gas, Dancing with the Stars, how salty those French fries were, for the entire month?

The main reason I wanted to befriend a person over 80 was the fact that I was lonely, too. I had recently moved to the area and establishing friendship takes patience, tempo, timing. I needed to feel connected to something. It was pretty quick getting set up as a volunteer at the closest assisted living/nursing home to my house. Within two weeks, I was connected with Jack. For the last four months, I’ve seen him weekly. I sent him postcards from Costa Rica. I pick up snacks for him at the market, and clip out funny comics or bring him pictures kids make for me. He tells me stories of his youth, gives me advice about the economy and willingly philosophizes with me on a variety of topics. He is bright, friendly, and he likes me. Jack makes me feel like I belong. Like I matter.

“Life is partly what we make it, and partly what it is madeby the friends we choose.”

Tennessee Williams

Hands down, Jack is one of the biggest blessings of my life right now. I am less lonely because of him, and I hope, he is less lonely because of me.

#11 and #36 in ONE!

Visiting a Washington Winery
Picking an Apple from a Washington Farm

East of here, through the mountains, the Washington land produces sweetness. Sugars for which it is known. The almost three hour drive from my house offers an array of landscapes to stimulate the journey…moving from freeway emerald city urban, the deciduous ski country, giving way to fertile low lands, and then desert shrubs, and then, pow! Areas of orchards, vineyards, speckled with huge barns that read FRUIT ANTIQUES!

I guess the tradition here is so old that you can purchase fruit antiques.

Eastern Washington speckles color right now, the fingers of the fauna shooting off color and teasing the eye…maybe you’ll find something sweet here.

I needed to get away this weekend. I required, as the saying goes, “a change in perspective” What was so wrong with the perspective I was taking before my trip? Two words jump to mind: anxiety and complacency. The anxiety I believe boiling up and down due to all the negativitiy and uncertainty surrounding me these past few weeks. You see, it is in my job description and most likely personality structure to find things that are deficient, impaired, weak and “fix them.” I pay attention to the uncomfortable aspects of experiences, both on a case by case basis and on a cultural level. It is ingrained into my demeanor to notice such energies and analyze them, and most often, to respond to them in order to give way to relief, or improvement of some sort.

And my experience has lead to efficiency at it.

Yet, one cannot provide sufficient relief for many problems. Suffering often sums up greater than the hope I am engendering. It is in these seasons, usually a period of 5 weeks, that I find I need to “reset” “revision” and allow myself to accept grace and start my perspective fresh.

Thus, the escape. For me, traveling (which is self defined as staying at least one night away) most often enables this catalyzing change in perspective.

This weekend I found myself saying “everyone is so more friendly around here.” They would recommend that I spend my money at different business than their, they would throw their heads back in easy laughter, they would easily reminisce about a story and so easily shared their passions when encouraged. One man called me “trouble” which I am when I am my most authentic happy K. And this got me to acknowledge that perhaps it wasn’t just the people of the place that were more open, more congenial and approachable and more community-minded. It was me. It was my fundamental approach to the experience to embrace it fully and make the Positivity mine. Now, it’s true the equation doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes the people aren’t so friendly no matter how open you are (I think of Paris). Even then, however, I do believe it is a synergy, this traveling. Traveling can reveal insecurity (let’s say with French pronunciation) and a sense of inadequacy (in navigating Paris’ streets) and a feeling of inferiority (in anything artist or edible). These feelings may be carried like invisible luggage and that burden may prevent you from truly being free and thus you don’t find the place or the people or the experience liberating at all…

Most of the time, however, I like the version of myself when traveling. I am more capable, more grateful, less analytical, more trusting of my intuition, less goal oriented and more gracious all around. This weekend I found myself noticing light, watching the colors around me more easily. I shot pictures without action or identification in them at all. This is not like me. I’ve expressed to others that I disdain about traveling pictures…you can’t even tell YOU were there” I like to stamp my pictures with something connecting me to it. Functionality is key. I consider “will I print this? Would someone actually like to look at this picture? Place it on a fridge.

This weekend, however, I took multiple shots of the same object just for the exposure to multiple perspectives. A young bud of practice…

The change of perspective, whether gained from traveling (to wine country), the words of an expert (it’s cancer) or a relationship (Mom, I want some more water) powerfully marks our lives in a way that we too quickly habituate to. I want to be the “Traveling K” more in the “Normal Day K” or even the “Weekend K” or “Lunchbreak K”…

Who are you when traveling?

#13 Habitat for Humanity

There is something fundamentally inspiring in helping a person build a home. Our faith and ability to experience pleasure develops as our capacity to grow communally develops. And the more we exclude or confine ourselves to like-minded people, the more limited our gratitude remains. Too often we mark out “this is my space, this is yours.” Stay on this side of the line. That line can mark being female, having a certain educated, claiming to be a particular faith or voting party, living in a certain neighborhood or country, having a significant relationship or not.

For many moments in my life, these boxes have constrained my ability to experience life fully. And I am proud that the list is helping me shatter some of those boxes…and I find balance that it is in the act of building a box for someone to live in that my own are destroyed.

What is home to you? I heard numbers once that most Americans move every 4 years. I would guess that the number is higher for those of us 35 and under, perhaps shifting to move jobs, alter relationship status, finish parts of our education or training. And this mobility can exacerbate a loss of identity, a diminishment of affiliation, a forced letting go of ritual and an abandonment o ritual. All the things to me, that says home.

“Hello, Welcome” “You can trust this place” “You know what to expect” “You can go out and explore the world, but you will come back to this place of groundedness” “This is safe”

Homes define us. Which is why so many of us feel pressured to “own” them (see previous post here) But more than a place with things, I believe home is our sense of groundedness. A sense of being nourished, a sense of cultivating roots in our beings…

And those foundations MUST be connected to others.

#24

Yep! I rode a motorcycle for the first time this last week! Let me tell you, there is something incredibly freeing about whizzing on a bike on the highway. The engagement with your surroundings makes the journey more alive, pulsing, more aware of the other travelers on the road, the details of the scenery, the state of the air and weather. Like any new experience involving the description "primal scream therapy" there was an inital fear and hestitancy...but after a few minutes of deep breathing, the fear of getting railed by another car lessened, and lo and behold, my body, my spirit relaxed. A balance ensued between adrenaline and new experience and peace, quite similar to experiences in Costa Rica. The next step is riding some more...

#74 Tour A Farm

I've caught a big case of "Green Guilt". I haven't checked to see if my light bulbs are energy efficitent. My Scion, which gets around 34 mpg, is NOT a hybrid. I have compulsions to go into the trash and rescue aluminum cans. Americans are LAST in getting on the green wagon. Naturally, I want to compensate.

I guess around 20% of Americans also feel green guilt. ive days a week, my cable is set on channel 201, the Planet Green channel, where I am addicted to the show about cool green inventions. There is something super alluring about sustainable farming,

about being a good steward .

So I fed my addiction by touring an organic farm last weekend, located about 50 minutes away. There are many organic farms closer to me, but I visited this one because a group of women were gathering together to learn more about writing. So! The two, writing and farming, was too irrestible.

The "tour bus" is an old tractor

(I confess that I was thinking about how ineficient the old engine was that it might be polluting the air and thus the plants...)

My favorite part of the organic farm was the large section of herbs available to pick. A group of women there were selecting carefully in order to make a tea...a tea! AH! maybe that will be my next task...

#72 Try Rockclimbing or Canyoning

Jumping, scrambling, climbing...in a sinking motion, treking down a rocky cliff. It's a drop, and in Costa Rica, canyoning entails rappelling down waterfalls.




Sure, I considered myself a normal, usually logical, rational PhD psychologist. I face my fears. I seek adventure, experience, a new opportunity. I am not prone to fear.




But fear pounded through each tiny capillary waiting to jump down that first waterfall. I chatted annoyingly in minimal spanish with our guides not to better prepare me, but to elicit all my educational skills of distraction to stop my body's fear of impending doom. Afterall, throwing oneself off the side of a waterfall is NOT NORMAL, people!

Here I am!

I LOVED IT! This experience was the first time (and perhaps that the last time) in a while that I peeds my pants....

just a sprinkle, but it counts!

Can't WAIT to try rockclimbing NEXT!

# 63

Lay in a Hammock!

So, the first hammock I spent all of 5 minutes in (in Carribean) but the second one, wow! Look at the view I captured at 5:15 am one morning. I journaled here and it completely sent my heart in a state of awe. Beginning my days in such a fashion, a moment of centering, of reflection, reminded me again of how to feel beautifully free.

The hammock experience, swinging peacefully, reminded me of this quote:

If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, "thank you," that would suffice.-Meister Eckhart

Many Items completed!

"WILD" The word erupts from my mouth carefreely when people ask me how my vacation to Costa Rica went. Because "good," "great" and "awesome," just doesn't do it justice. Why WILD? For one thing, I rappelled down flipping waterfalls, zipped in the air through a rainforest, boated through jungle-river canals, watched a 2-hour process of sea turtles laying eggs, hiked through jungle trail by a dormant volcano (with an ill defined path!), sucked coconut sponge and slurped coconut jelly, and capsized in a lake. I broke my sunglasses, misplaced my beloved Sigg Water Ball in a "soda" (a family run small eatery) waterlogged and ruined my digital camera (from the kayak fall on the lake) and sunburned my head through my cornrows. I met cool people from Belgium, Portugal, Canada, France, Holland, talked a police officer (okay, bribed) out of detaining my traveling partner, got a massage from Juan Carlos, and woke up everyday with the sunrise…Not to mention, I chucked A LOT OF LIFE in this trip! Overlooking my list, I experienced 5 of them within the week (and I began training to complete that crossword by March 31 2010 in airports, on buses, amid boats!)

I ate a quail Egg!

Task #9

Eat a Quail Egg

I've always wanted to eat a quail egg...especially because it seems as if all the gourmet cooking shows that I love, like Top Chef and FoodNetwork Star, seem to pull off simple, yet elegant by adding quail eggs to their creations. So, 6 days into my trip to Costa Rica, a salad popped up on a menu in La Fortuna's Don Rufinos. The salad boasted oranges, nuts, a pomegranite dressing, greens, and these eggs. What exactly is a quail egg?

Well, it is smaller than a chicken egg, and when you pop it in your mouth, it tastes a little sweet....but honestly, a little tasteless. funny, because I heard they have a TON more cholesterol than a regular egg. This one was boiled, so perhaps it would taste different fried...

I DESERVE this!

Perhaps it is just me, and not a function of being female. But I see a lot of women, especially single women, accounting for things. We are trackers, counters, adder-uppers. Earners. I am growing weary of the inceessant need to prove myself deserving of X, Y, Z and the other 23 remaining letters signifying anything that I want. Such as, "I deserve to spend extra bit of something at Trader Joes because I didn't get the expensive cheese last time." Goodness! What a mouse-trap. Or, "I haven't bought a new pair of (fill in the blank) for over a (lengthy time span goes here" therefore, getting it now is okay." As if delay of gratification or denial grants my desires validation.
Do you find yourself doing this?
Dare I ask WHY? My bad habits involve overjustification, an obsession with rationalizing this or that, and thus domesticizing of filtering my longing to render them more palatable to myself...
No one will ever ask me to account for these things...but I;d like to be ready should they ever pull me over and demand to know if I should really be indulging in that I Tunes purchase...just in case I downloaded some things a few hours previously, or yesterday....or for the last month. But no one asks, because, overall, I am a sensible woman who makes excellent decisions...I don't need to defend myself against the scrutiny of others, it's just me in here who is intensely analyzing these details.

And I don't see a lot of men saying, "I don't know if I should go see that movie, I already took some me time away from the girlfriend Wednesday when I played basketball." Why do women like to tell ourselves that "we deserve it?"

Okay, you know what? Screw the why...I don't want to think about WHY any longer...I just want to know HOW. HOW do I stop keeping score against myself? Will it become more natural with age? With experience?

Am I in outerspace on this one, does any one do this too?

Task #19 Sing a Song in Public

Task #19
Sing a song in public

Feeling funky, feeling sad & frustrated…that my battle with these negative emotions was futile. I was noticing them, aware of them, but just because you are noticing and aware of the dishes in the sink doesn’t eradicate their existence. Yep, “Ms. Pissy Pants” and I can’t really adequately describe my feelings that would give this state justice, so enough said there…

But the park sparkled, and I noticed that, too. And I SO wanted to be in a positive state, to seize the moment, to feel connected and alive. The thought to enjoy “THIS BEAUTY” right now, flustered me…HOW? HOW? HOW? My mind short circuited, and Ms. Pissy Pants was still winning…awareness and thoughts had little effect, a toothpick shoveling a pile of bricks. I wanted freedom, escape from this funkyness, and despised the dissonance between what I wanted and where I was inside.

AH! Step in the power of the list….

Abandoned the thoughts and just DID. With fullness of my lungs, I belted the song, and in the bottom of my uterus, something clicked away. No matter the stares, the impression I was exuding, I was just ME. Purely ME, not performing, not achieving, just this animal vocalization of something essential…

And out of the blue, POOF! Ms. Pissy Pants deflated….

Here is the last clip of video from the task! Enjoy!

To Read or Not to Read

July 2nd, 2007
Task #83
Visit the biggest bookstore in America: Powells in Portland

My being is like a sailing ship, that is not ready or destined to dock…it is always roaming about the waters. Yet, my being still finds the light from the house on the shore assuring….Books are my lighthouses. They provide groundedness---a stability, in malleable form…always changing, the interpretation so connected to experience of the here and now.

For the past two moves of my life, I go through a process of purging items. I rate my belongings on a scale of 1-5 and only items rated a 4 or 5 come with me. I don’t own much, so it must say something that 50% of the boxes I unpack each time are books of some sort.

And I have a passion for independent bookstores. This is my “Cheers”…my church. My place of worship, where the sacredness in me is honored and I am known as a regular, and often recognizable for pursuing the “pews” but also so unknown as well by the other parishoners, the most essential parts of me hidden or unexplored, and only tapped into when I pick up a book and possibility fumes from the pages below.

God help me should I ever go blind…my heart would hurt so much from the lack of freedom I would experience from the depravity of picking up a book and the surge of empowerment I feel from deciding whether to read or not to read…

For me, books are a pathway to hope. They are the key to transformation, the illumination of evolution. Not an escape, but a compass for sailing in a direction to an undiscovered, yet-to-be-named terrain that waits for me to claim it as my own.

And thus, Powells in Portland was mind-blowingly awesome. So awesome that I hope that it starts a new tradition of seeking out independent bookstores wherever I travel…any suggestions?

To Indulge? Me?

Task # 12
Completed July 26th, 2007

So, as mentioned here, I don’t indulge myself often, so I visited the Olympus Spa (http://www.olympusspa.net) in pursuit of the goal of feeling alive, indulged.

Alive….the lusty sugar of honey seeping into my skin, the coolness of the cucumber releasing the callousness of those facial membranes…
While experiencing the moisturizing body wrapped, which involve cocooned in some honey mixture, I felt that I am body, I don’t have a body, I AM it. And I remembered those lines in Beloved: “She told them that the only grace they could have was the grace they could imagine. That is they could not see it, they would not have it.” The passage goes on to speak of loving our flesh, our hands, our mouth, and nourishing it on our own and not despising it as the world does.”

Oh, the hands briskly swaying across my chest, my swollen belly, my core…
Alive

The solitudeness of being single sometimes means a forgetting of the sensuality of nature, of connection. The denial of my sensuality so pervasive that the hunger now is so palpable.

On that table, I didn’t become “more acquainted” or “more connected” with my body, because that would mean again that it is something I possess or external to me. More like, I became aware of my aliveness.

And the honey, womb-like, desperate to penetrate and stick. Incredibly freeing….

So then, I visited the café, because the body wanted what it wanted: nourishment. Again, the mind of shoulds attempted to reign, but the body won out this time…
And oh!

Alive!

I ordered a Tofu Red Soup…and it was perhaps one of the most delicious meals of my life…

Spring onions sweetness dances with the earthiness of shitaki mushrooms, the soup ase briny infused with chili oil and garlic, the tofu bathing wontly, crumbling off in waves…the tiny cucumbers, smaller than half peanuts, yet crunchy….

Alive!

And, a lover of condiments, am I! Perfection! From Right to Left, Top to Bottom: The flamboyant pickled radish, flavored with sweet mirin, soft and chewy bean sprouts, chili dusted fried cucumbers (So pliant!) and a firm ponzu laced tofu, then (oh! There-is-a-God) sweet black beans, half like a fig and beans with a plum afterbite…so amazing! And a seasame seed slaw, very sweet….

Alive!

Yes, this task will go down in infamy! Hard to top…

Because this is one night where I will fall asleep knowing that if I died, I lived….

#60 BookCrossing!

I eat words. Strung together with sugary potency, or slapped haphazardly with sourness, words nourishes the total me. They are the simple carbs, the power-packs proteins, the wide-range vitamin that sustains my life.

Now, many stories begin this way, and go on to inform the audience that since inception, passionate readers and writers ate up words in conjunction with their first forays of solid food. Um, no. Not me. I don’t remember liking reading much until Susan Mayfield.

Susan Mayfeild was my 6th grade teacher, and my first supplier. She gave me The fall of Freddy the Leaf after my grandfather died.

This interaction commenced the addiction. It was not individual. I was communal, almost like communion itself, food externally sacred entering my physical being and becoming spiritual in nature. Our appreciation of each other grew into a friendship. A friendship that pays homage to the sacredness of words. She accepts me and yet inspires me to step into myself more completely. She is the epitome of grace with skin on Carefully crafted postcards, lovingly written letters, and almost month, we pass along a book. It is a way for us to mark where we’ve been and release a bit of ourselves into the heart of the other. This is us in May, posing for “courage” at tea.

BookCrossing is a new craze for readers everywhere. If you've enjoyed a book and you think someone else might like it you can leave it in a public place for someone else to pick up. You can then find out who took it and what they thought of it through the BookCrossing website. http://www.bookcrossing.com/

So, last week, Susan sends me The Book Thief, which I read last year. I read the book about 18 months ago.
Here is my review:
Death is not our enemy, in fact, death knows us more intimately than we are conscious of. This book personifies death, what if death was a character? This book will resonate with any book lover. The plot and narrative create an originality that speaks for itself. And as much as death is central, survival is more the main player here.
It seems fitting that Susan would be the cook in the kitchen for my first book crossing adventure, which I released into the wild, at my beloved Mandolin Café. http://www.themandolincafe.com/

I also released another book into the wild yesterday, because us word eaters often are impatient and require constant source of fuel to maintain our high. I just can’t wait for someone to find these books, eat them up and report back on the website.
So, Beloved. Probably the most transforming book of my adolescence, with phrases that burrowed down into my developing identity, with characters that gave skin to the bare bones of my awareness of suffering, with a plot that made racism not just a word but a haunting experience.

"She told them that the only grace they could have was the grace they could imagine. That is they could not see it, they would not have it." The passage goes on to speak of loving our flesh, our hands, our mouth, and nourishing it on our own and not despising it as the world does.

This is my Special K Treatment right now, today, and it seems fitting that I "released" this book into the wild…

Oh! Hungry for more…I am off to Seattle to sit in a café and read my latest meal.

In my mind, of course I projected some expectation: it is July, for goodness sake, and figuring you’ll see the sun at some point in the day is a pretty safe bet. But this is my season of false platueas, and of course it was overcast and drizzly throughout task number #33visit the Ape cave and Mt. St Helens. I’ll take it on faith that the volcanic mount was there at all, because the fog was definitely keeping her chastely robbed today.

My friend Josh and I drove in my little Scion to the Ape Caves. Named by members of an outdoor group called the Mount St. Helens Apes, this cave is the longest continuous lava tube in the continental United States The cliffnote skinny is that “down” there are these two underground pathways carved by lava tubes 2,000 years ago. It is wet, cool (40 degrees) and pitch black down there. The floor is sometimes flat, sometimes craggily. There is a more challenging 1.5 mile path and an easy ¾ of a mile path. Josh and I both choose the more difficult one. Prior to descending, I name my fear out loud, “I am a little afraid!” in hopes that it will some how dissipate the feeling. It doesn’t.

We start. And yep…it’s dark. Josh rented us a big lantern, but it is dark, and navigating the rocky bottom forces the light in scattered directions. I was super afraid! In fact, I kept thinking about scary movies were things eat people alive in dark. My first time in a cave, and my fears of the dark, of being out of control underground without light, gets projected onto images from stupid horror thriller flicks. Josh asks if we should turn around and do the easier one. and you know what? For the first timee in a long time, I immediately oblige. I don’t try to change my fear or overcome it or be the tough chick. I don’t try to be resilient or choose the hard way. I allow myself to “chicken out” I am a Robert Frost “road less traveled fanatic” and much of my energy is spent on doing the more complicated, messy, but exceptional thing. So this is not me, people! But …and within minutes and with just a vestigal feeling of guilt (“Weak!”) I start to enjoy myself and look up…this place is so unfamiliar! This “path more common” approach proved just fine…and fun? Why didn’t you tell me that going with the flow, with the popular route could also be so freeing?

Did I mention it was dark? So, these pictures are pretty impressive to discover. That old camera keeps on performing….

It takes us around 45 minutes total. I talk about Plato and his notion that we experience life as if seeing shadows in a cave and that the real thing out there in the real world would blow our mind away…

But the dark has its benefits as well.

It seems fitting this “easy” route is the first accomplishment.
Of course, it takes us three hours to go home…

We found this winery I was THRILLED to try out…!

Blasted! It’s Closed!
And guarded by an ewok I call “Trixie” not a friendly little lady. But that’s what you get on the road less traveled: bristles. We just had to take a few detours down country roads just to experience that less traveled terrain at least once today.

And thus it begins!

The Mission:Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.The Criteria:Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on your part). Visit Day Zero for links to Other Lists and Tips for Creating Your Own
My 101 things to do 1001 days
FYI: These are things I have NEVER done before or have rarely done in the past
COMPLETED ARE IN GREEN!

1.Start a blog and journal about my 100 experiences (completed 7/6/08)

2.Skinny Dip

3. Befriend someone over 80 years old

4.Get a pet

5.Wear a birthday hat through a meal at a restaurant in a month no where CLOSE to my birthday (btw: April)

6.Raise money from loved ones to buy a Heifer (http://www.heifer.org/)

7. Go a week without caffeine

8.Ride a train

9. Eat a quail egg (Arenal volcano, Wed, 8/27/08)

10. Create a place setting for 8 with 8 different patterns found in thrift shops (plate and a bowl)

11.Visit a WA winery and buy a bottle of wine

12. Get a body wrap at a spa (07/08)

13. Participate in a Habitat for Humanity Project

14. Receive postcards from all 50s states (6/50)

15. Finish a NY Times crossword puzzle, (Jon West says “Monday and Tuesday don’t count)

16. Become educated about changing a tire

17. Go to three live music events

18.Go on a spontaneous road trip

19. Sing a song in public (07/08)

20. Buy 20 dollars worth of flowers and give them away to complete strangers

21.pay off one of my 5 student loans!

22. Try to learn how to crochet or knit

23. Cultivate a garden of some sort

24.Ride on a motorcyle

25.buy flowers for myself

26.buy flowers for some one else

27. Go on a blind date

28. spend half a day playing a video/computer game

30. Not drive my car for a week

31.Attend a book or poetry reading

32.Trade something on gimmie your stuff (http://gimmeyourstuff.blogspot.com/)

33.Visit Mount St Helens and the Ape Caves ( 7/5/08)

34. Spend a girls weekend with my sister Caity

35. Go fishing

36. Visit an apple orchard in Washington

37.Drink pink champagne

38. Donate my hair to locks of love (http://www.locksoflove.org/)

39. Do something with dry ice

40. Watch the sunrise and the sun set in the same day

41.Learn how to use google reader and organize my favorite blogs

42.Complete a mad lib asking total strangers to supply the words

43.Ride in a hot air balloon

44.do yum cha or korean stirfry with friends

45. Take a class that features something I am not good at or have never done

46.Buy a frivolous kitchen gadget

47.learn how to say “where’s the bathroom” in six languages

48.Make a toast in a bar

49.make a sandcastle OR make a snowman

50.floss every day for a week

51. Visit a craft store in the morning and complete a gift project for a friend in one day

52. Give a care package of money, food, and clothing to a homeless person

53. Spend at least three nights in a cabin

54.Panhandle $5 (Jess wants to document this!)

55. publish something (a research article, letter to the editor)

56. Hike Mt Rainer

57.Create a survival kit good to last a week

58. Do something special with my mom

59. Eat only food produced with 100 miles of where I live for one week

60. Post Something on BookCrossing (http://www.bookcrossing.com/) ( 7/17/08)

61. Go Caroling

62. Buy a pair of shoes that cost more than $100 (runners don’t count!)

63. Lie in a hammock (Costa Rica, 08/08)

64. Spend a day from sunrise to sundown in silence with no technologym without using electricity

65. Ask a guy out on a date

66. Throw a dinner party for 6, having each guest pick an ingredient and prepare a special course for each featuring that ingredient

67. Do not use my credit or debit card for an entire month, living only on a cash budget

68. Stay up all night

69.See a comedy routine

70. Complete a puzzle

71.Buy something on ETSY

72. Try Rockclimbing or Canyoning (Costa Rica, 8/27/2008)

73. Research the foster care system and the process for becoming a foster parent

74. Tour a farm

75.Ask someone to tell me his/her life story

76. Organize a community/neighborhood event

77. Watch 3 foreign films

78. Do something from The Art of Doing Nothing (like take a “gourmet nap” )

79. Sneak into a convention

80.Try to send someone a telegram

81. Host/Throw 6 Themed Potlucks (1/6 Nourishment Potluck, 8/15/08)

82. Do a “Price is Right” Challenge by spending as close to $100 in Whole Foods on 25 items.

83. Visit the biggest bookstore in America: Powells in Portland (7/31/2008)

84.Pick an inspirational book (Who Cares?) or movie and organize a community discussion of the book

85. Play Dress Up

86. Eat a meal at a sit down restaurant by myself WITHOUT reading

87. Learn something new (like 5 constellations) and teach something to someone else

88. Write a “If something ever happens to me letter” and give it to a family member AND close family friend

89. Go Camping/Sleep outside

90. Create the “ultimate” picnic

91. Attend a sporting event and drink a beer

92. Do NaNoWriMo (http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/whatisnano)

93. Take 10 pictures with 10 people I love and write one paragraph about our relationship together

94. Attend a murder mystery party

95. Spend a full day shopping with $500 in cash AND NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT!

96. Go to someplace people would called “sacred” (e.g. Great Wall of China, Grand Canyon, Great Barrier Reef, a monastery)

97. Have a share week at work where I share something with a new person each day

98. Do something out of character/comfort zone that others would not expect me to do

99. Follow a financial plan (such as this one: http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2007/01/31/31-days-to-fix-your-finances-a-wrapup/

100. FREEBIE: TO BE DETERMINED

101.Throw a HUGE shower/celebration for myself when I finish this list